GAME 1 RECAP (vs Bricks): Spring Season Begins with Love, Hate, & Castration

A one point loss in overtime for a 1st game of the season is a tough loss for any team. A respectable loss. A heartbreaker even. A one point loss in overtime for the 1st game of the season against a team with only four guys, a girl about the size of one of Russ' kids, and blowing a 12 point with a squad of 9 guys, is _______ . I'll leave it to you to pick your own derogatory term, I'm sure they'll all fit in this scenario. But how does this happen? Were we hypnotized by this jeezebel? Did we slack off on purpose because they had a girl? Did the refs give them favorable calls because of their handicap? Were one of the refs bedding this hussy? Well, lets just recap this catastrophe shall we...

The 1st half started well for Sofa King Awesome. Making his long awaited return from his brief sabbatical en Deutchland, Robert Zee Wunderkind Loef, was hitting his patent 10 foot jumper like he was never deported. We were off and running. We slowly exploited their weakness, and yes, I'm talking about the girl on their team. Unfortunately for Sofa King Awesome, the rust settles in quick after being off for 3 weeks, and normally easy shots were not falling. Like layups and shots two feet away from the basket. Our failure to finish allowed The Bricks to linger by half time.

In the second half, Sofa King Awesome applied a little muscle and took a 12 point lead. Great pressure up top caused turnovers, especially Mad Max Linsky who slyly stole and inbound pass 2 feet under the basket for a quick lay-in. Sofa King Awesome seemed to be in full control, but true to our nature, we fell asleep behind the wheel. More like passed out like one does from excessive celebrating with a bottle of vodka, roofies, and your favorite sorority girl. A series of bad turnovers followed up with lackadaisical defense allowed their 2 scorers to start draining three pointers. Then came the fouls and the technical fouls. Then things started to really unravel. The refs no longer liked Ray Artest Ko, for some reason or another and refused to give us any calls. Maybe it was when Ray bounced the ball off the other guys head that put it over the top. 12 points turned into 6 points which surreally shortly turned into a tie game. With seconds winding down, a horrible pass by your El Captain almost lead to an break away, thank god, I redeemed myself by blocking their final shot in regulation, but the damaged was done. The momentum had switched. It was a tie game.

In overtime, we really couldn’t get any calls. Russ looked like he was auditioning for the remake of The 3 Stooges, as he was slapped, grabbed and poked in the eyes while pulling down rebounds. The Bricks only true baller, stayed poised under pressure and hit his outside shots. For the first time in the game we were actually losing. After a stint of back and forth near misses the score managed to stayed tie. With time winding down again, a loose ball scenario was in effect, a pass was deflected straight up into the air, Rob and I both went up for the ball and the mid air collision jarred the ball loose into the hands of the best player on The Bricks, he B-lined it for the basket, pulled up for a jumper and Ted Pedigree Smith, tried to tickle the opponents funny bone and was called for a foul with one second left. The Bastard made the 1st, which put them up by one. He missed the second, which was just enough time to kill the clock before we could call a final time out.

Final Score. Good Guys – 48; Bad Guys - 49

Highlights:
Andy “FNG” Pascal with a clutch basket and one to put us back on top when things were starting to unravel. Remember though, free throws win games boys. That goes for everyone, not just Pascal who could of sealed it for us! Oh and did I say Welcome aboard Andy! - Ray "Two in a Row" Ko with his second technical in back to back games, and a shout out to the refs after the loss, "you guys are by far the worst refs of all time. Of any sport. In the history of sports. Do you even know the rules? The ones in that giant book called the Rule book? I’m going to stab you both in the neck after the game. Just wait. Outside in the parking lot. You’re going to taste steel bitch.” Haha. Oh Ray, you’re so dramatic sometimes. - The Asian girl on the other team, yelling at Ray to “stop grabbing her!” was pretty funny, and by funny I mean disturbing. Got a little akward out there on the court. Even the refs weren’t sure what to do with that one. - And finally Russ's kids repeating and repeating, "I can't believe you lost to a girl."

Since we reached an all time new low, there is no where to go but up. We have 3 options, we get back on that horse after re-attaching our balls, or we steal the horse’s balls, attach them to where our balls used to be and use them going forward or we get boob jobs and join an all women's bowling league and never speak of basketball or this game again.

Next game is Next Wednesday at 9:15pm vs Prestige Worldwide. O’Shea HS, 77th between Columbus and Amsterdam. See you there ladies!

-Soy Capitan